it's better (for now...)

Hello internet.

I'm still alive, and... i don't fucking know what happened, i ended up in a another country?
Left my home country to study abroad in march of this year. I don't know how to describe it, but it feels very "normal" to be here, since the begging. Somehow it's like something is telling me i made the right decision. I try to picture myself back in my home country, stuck studying a shitty degree i don't care for, and it paints a image thousands times worst then I'm currently am.

I was really, really depressed when i wrote all these posts in this blog. Stuck inside a dysfunctional house with a dysfunctional family, barely a friend to cry my pain on his shoulder, no good future in sight. I almost never left my room, or bathed myself, all i could do is lay in bed watching YouTube videos, eat fast food and masturbate. I had no energy to study, or do anything worthwhile because everything always felt so pointless.

Back home, every weekend was about hearing my parents throw another party. Drinking till they collapsed, moaning while they fuck with drunken strangers in the backyard, while i locked myself in my room, laying in bed with headphones blasting music as loud as i could, hoping this party wouldn't end in another really ugly fight between them.

You see, there was like no point in my existence, i tried justifying myself learning piano, music theory, programming, drawing.... Then the Girl happened.

 I was stuck in this loop. Everyday was the same thing, me trying to get out of bed, create a reason to wake up and not end my own life. One day this girl who i was best friends with from high school texted me. I went out with her and we made out. I felt so happy... having someone to share things with. I always liked her so much.

I never felt physical intimacy with another human being until that day, i could try hooking up with girls just for that, but it doesn't feel right. I always wanted to connect with someone. Someone who understands me a little bit. Who i can know and trust, and share love, affection and life with. Something that is really hard these days apparently.

Right now I'm just going to keep going. Living in another country won't make it easy, worst, probably impossible to find love. I don't know where to look, i have no experience doing that. I will study, get my degree. That much i can do. Having an objective like this helps a lot getting out of bed. So that is that. 


See you space cowboy...