I don't even know what the fuck am I writing anymore

You know when most things in your life usually end in a bad note, so you grow further and further used to being disappointed?

I'm just like that, so when good things start happening, I do nothing but ponder if this is going to be just another one of those unpleasant suprises life always has for me. On top of that, I also have the feeling of not deserving of such happiness. How can someone who just sits in his ass and do nothing all day have good things happening to him?

That by itself is not that hard to get, but it leaves me with a feeling of having to pay back everyone for what they have done for me, somehow. It's much easier for me to do nothing all day and have nothing good happening to me, then to live up to the expectations of other people.

I guess life will be always like that, if you want something, you need to give something in return.
I will have to start learning to do just that if I want to continue having such a positive outlook for life.

Right now I'm learning to stop thinking about all this irrelevant emotional jargon and try to better enjoy the good moments that life brings to me, because it's obvious all this positivity is not going to tag along for much longer. Then I will have something nice to remember when shit starts hitting the fan again.

No download today, because I'm posting this via my cellphone, as my computer is giving up on his life.

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Funny note - I wrote this post in the end of 2016, and at this time ( June 2017 ) , all i can say is that past me was right, i always felt that there was something wrong back then, but things were much MUCH worse then i expected. I am in a really REALLY weird place right now, and a huge turn of events happened since i wrote the top part of this post, lots of teenager melodrama that's really not worthy of writing it all down, and some stuff i might write when i get vacation from college 

See you space cowboy...