where am i?

Hey, haven't written here in a while.

Getting straight to the point, I'm writing here because I feel like absolute shit.
i don't exactly know why, maybe its just depression getting back to me, these days i haven't been able to do much, just killing time doing meaningless stuff.

I'm a little bothered with myself. This feeling of not belonging is growing huge inside of me, here where i live, i always felt like an outsider. Maybe i need more friends, but i doubt that would change something, it didn't in the past when i was a more sociable person.

I feel trapped, i dont really know, i stand back and look at my life here and in the other country, and i cant stop this feeling that i need to get out... of something? Run away? No, that would be silly. Powerless maybe. I just want to end my studies and run away as quick as possible.

I'm staying in my parents house for vacation time, and its pretty bad, i feel specially awful without any obligation or studies to distract me from the shitty person that i am.
Its very funny, i have almost no friends, i and wish i could be better for them. Recently i noticed that i can't do much. I'm a coward, weak person, and i use whatever i can to run away from that fact.

I wish i could say that i have social anxiety or something, so i wouldn't have to blame myself for not interacting properly with other people, but in reality I'm just a huge self-conscious coward, that run away from it's weaknesses because i much prefer living comfortably in my misery than challenging and growing as a person.

This hurt a lot.

It hurts because it hurts my parents, probably my friend(s) too, it hinders my maturity, and i feel powerless, like i would never be able to change this. Coupled with my irrational fear of drugs and alcohol, i painted myself into a corner that it's really hard to escape.

I don't know if i can do this alone, growing up like this, having the maturity to change so much as a person. Even thou I know that the only one who can save me is myself. 

And is that the problem at all? If i do change, will this hole inside of me be filled?
Is it worth the effort? Will i feel less miserable?

This whole text is probably a bunch of incomprehensible emotional jargon threw together as my tired mind tries hard to understand itself.

This blog is really selfish isn't it. Just writing a bunch of stupid shit about myself, i feel so fucking self absorbed, all this crap shouldn't matter at all, and i should appreciate and be happy about all the wonderful things my family and friends existence brings to me

My Dad works his ass off, stressed every fucking day, paying for my whole goddamn life, and here am i, with the whole world out there available for me to enjoy, 

and i just sit in my room,

being a Coward, Weak, Ungrateful, Selfish Little Man

/off

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in the next few weeks i will post about music or something, so i wont feel so selfish about using this blog just to post my self absorbed stupid diatribe