Love yourself

So, now, a relationship that was totally 
meaningless, trivial, is over. No need to get too upset.

Things are very weird these days. It is really hard to put into words. I guess the thing that pops up most in my mind is my selfishness. It is always all about myself. I'm very shallow. I care what people think about me a lot, it is like my value is defined by what other pepple think about me. I probably sound like a whiny teenager.. that makes me very sad. I want to be more emotionally mature and be able to remove myself from my relationships with people. But it is like something is broken. I let someone break into my AT field. And it hurt a lot in the end. It still hurts. I really need to be able to endure things like these better. Im 22 years old at the time of this post and im still struggling with these kind of stuff. I started remembering that throughout my life i was always a step behind in mental development compared to my friends. It is really showing right now. I think i got a lot of what is affecting me from my parents. But I dont blame them, they are human, flawed. I ended up very similar to how my father is. Which is really scary. What scares me the most it is the idea that to break the cycle i need to try to have a better relationship with him. I dont know what to say anymore. I think i will never be loved in a romantic way by anyone. I am too slow, i dont know how to talk about emotions, or show physical or verbal affection to people. I probably need a psychiatrist. For now, i will try even harder. Lift heavier, study harder, learn more Bach. Those things are always there for me, i love doing all of them... it gives meaning to my life and It doesnt hurt me. I think i will never be normal like other people, it seems like i cant relate to the vast majority of people i know and knew. I need to be able to come in terms with this, and be strong for my own sake. I hope i can live peacefully with the monster inside of me. oyasumi~