Love yourself

So, now, a relationship that was totally 
meaningless, trivial, is over. No need to get too upset.

Things are very weird these days. It is really hard to put into words. I guess the thing that pops up most in my mind is my selfishness. It is always all about myself. I'm very shallow. I care what people think about me a lot, it is like my value is defined by what other pepple think about me. I probably sound like a whiny teenager.. that makes me very sad. I want to be more emotionally mature and be able to remove myself from my relationships with people. But it is like something is broken. I let someone break into my AT field. And it hurt a lot in the end. It still hurts. I really need to be able to endure things like these better. Im 22 years old at the time of this post and im still struggling with these kind of stuff. I started remembering that throughout my life i was always a step behind in mental development compared to my friends. It is really showing right now. I think i got a lot of what is affecting me from my parents. But I dont blame them, they are human, flawed. I ended up very similar to how my father is. Which is really scary. What scares me the most it is the idea that to break the cycle i need to try to have a better relationship with him. I dont know what to say anymore. I think i will never be loved in a romantic way by anyone. I am too slow, i dont know how to talk about emotions, or show physical or verbal affection to people. I probably need a psychiatrist. For now, i will try even harder. Lift heavier, study harder, learn more Bach. Those things are always there for me, i love doing all of them... it gives meaning to my life and It doesnt hurt me. I think i will never be normal like other people, it seems like i cant relate to the vast majority of people i know and knew. I need to be able to come in terms with this, and be strong for my own sake. I hope i can live peacefully with the monster inside of me. oyasumi~

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31/08/19

I dont know what i am doing. Human relationships are pretty weird things. I dont really know what to feel and in which direction i should walk to. Maybe i am just missing something, i dont feel like doing anything. I know a thing for certain and its that i need to be more grateful for everything that happens in my live, and to learn to enjoy things while they last. I think the internet and social media are fucking up my sense of self and the way i picture and experience the present reality. I want to be able to be more present today and stop thinking so ahead of myself. One thing that i am truly afraid is of time passing. Specially these times that passes with me not noticing and apreciating the good and beautiful things, be in victory or in defeat. In tryumph or tragedy. Im always repeating to myself all the things i read in those old greek philosophy books about stoicism, but its all conjecture, i have never put any of it into practice. I takes a lot of strenght. I hope in the end my life ends up being at least a tragedy. A tale about a man who tried to do something about himself and chose to walk a specific path in pursue of the truth and ended up lost. In the end, i want to at least be able to say that I tried. Egocentrismo 

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Oh hey.

Hey, i´m much better since last time, i came back here and it looks like the site font fucked up, that makes me very angry, aside from that, everything is okay right now.

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where am i?

Hey, haven't written here in a while.

Getting straight to the point, I'm writing here because I feel like absolute shit.
i don't exactly know why, maybe its just depression getting back to me, these days i haven't been able to do much, just killing time doing meaningless stuff.

I'm a little bothered with myself. This feeling of not belonging is growing huge inside of me, here where i live, i always felt like an outsider. Maybe i need more friends, but i doubt that would change something, it didn't in the past when i was a more sociable person.

I feel trapped, i dont really know, i stand back and look at my life here and in the other country, and i cant stop this feeling that i need to get out... of something? Run away? No, that would be silly. Powerless maybe. I just want to end my studies and run away as quick as possible.

I'm staying in my parents house for vacation time, and its pretty bad, i feel specially awful without any obligation or studies to distract me from the shitty person that i am.
Its very funny, i have almost no friends, i and wish i could be better for them. Recently i noticed that i can't do much. I'm a coward, weak person, and i use whatever i can to run away from that fact.

I wish i could say that i have social anxiety or something, so i wouldn't have to blame myself for not interacting properly with other people, but in reality I'm just a huge self-conscious coward, that run away from it's weaknesses because i much prefer living comfortably in my misery than challenging and growing as a person.

This hurt a lot.

It hurts because it hurts my parents, probably my friend(s) too, it hinders my maturity, and i feel powerless, like i would never be able to change this. Coupled with my irrational fear of drugs and alcohol, i painted myself into a corner that it's really hard to escape.

I don't know if i can do this alone, growing up like this, having the maturity to change so much as a person. Even thou I know that the only one who can save me is myself. 

And is that the problem at all? If i do change, will this hole inside of me be filled?
Is it worth the effort? Will i feel less miserable?

This whole text is probably a bunch of incomprehensible emotional jargon threw together as my tired mind tries hard to understand itself.

This blog is really selfish isn't it. Just writing a bunch of stupid shit about myself, i feel so fucking self absorbed, all this crap shouldn't matter at all, and i should appreciate and be happy about all the wonderful things my family and friends existence brings to me

My Dad works his ass off, stressed every fucking day, paying for my whole goddamn life, and here am i, with the whole world out there available for me to enjoy, 

and i just sit in my room,

being a Coward, Weak, Ungrateful, Selfish Little Man

/off

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in the next few weeks i will post about music or something, so i wont feel so selfish about using this blog just to post my self absorbed stupid diatribe

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it's better (for now...)

Hello internet.

I'm still alive, and... i don't fucking know what happened, i ended up in a another country?
Left my home country to study abroad in march of this year. I don't know how to describe it, but it feels very "normal" to be here, since the begging. Somehow it's like something is telling me i made the right decision. I try to picture myself back in my home country, stuck studying a shitty degree i don't care for, and it paints a image thousands times worst then I'm currently am.

I was really, really depressed when i wrote all these posts in this blog. Stuck inside a dysfunctional house with a dysfunctional family, barely a friend to cry my pain on his shoulder, no good future in sight. I almost never left my room, or bathed myself, all i could do is lay in bed watching YouTube videos, eat fast food and masturbate. I had no energy to study, or do anything worthwhile because everything always felt so pointless.

Back home, every weekend was about hearing my parents throw another party. Drinking till they collapsed, moaning while they fuck with drunken strangers in the backyard, while i locked myself in my room, laying in bed with headphones blasting music as loud as i could, hoping this party wouldn't end in another really ugly fight between them.

You see, there was like no point in my existence, i tried justifying myself learning piano, music theory, programming, drawing.... Then the Girl happened.

 I was stuck in this loop. Everyday was the same thing, me trying to get out of bed, create a reason to wake up and not end my own life. One day this girl who i was best friends with from high school texted me. I went out with her and we made out. I felt so happy... having someone to share things with. I always liked her so much.

I never felt physical intimacy with another human being until that day, i could try hooking up with girls just for that, but it doesn't feel right. I always wanted to connect with someone. Someone who understands me a little bit. Who i can know and trust, and share love, affection and life with. Something that is really hard these days apparently.

Right now I'm just going to keep going. Living in another country won't make it easy, worst, probably impossible to find love. I don't know where to look, i have no experience doing that. I will study, get my degree. That much i can do. Having an objective like this helps a lot getting out of bed. So that is that. 


See you space cowboy...

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I don't even know what the fuck am I writing anymore

You know when most things in your life usually end in a bad note, so you grow further and further used to being disappointed?

I'm just like that, so when good things start happening, I do nothing but ponder if this is going to be just another one of those unpleasant suprises life always has for me. On top of that, I also have the feeling of not deserving of such happiness. How can someone who just sits in his ass and do nothing all day have good things happening to him?

That by itself is not that hard to get, but it leaves me with a feeling of having to pay back everyone for what they have done for me, somehow. It's much easier for me to do nothing all day and have nothing good happening to me, then to live up to the expectations of other people.

I guess life will be always like that, if you want something, you need to give something in return.
I will have to start learning to do just that if I want to continue having such a positive outlook for life.

Right now I'm learning to stop thinking about all this irrelevant emotional jargon and try to better enjoy the good moments that life brings to me, because it's obvious all this positivity is not going to tag along for much longer. Then I will have something nice to remember when shit starts hitting the fan again.

No download today, because I'm posting this via my cellphone, as my computer is giving up on his life.

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Funny note - I wrote this post in the end of 2016, and at this time ( June 2017 ) , all i can say is that past me was right, i always felt that there was something wrong back then, but things were much MUCH worse then i expected. I am in a really REALLY weird place right now, and a huge turn of events happened since i wrote the top part of this post, lots of teenager melodrama that's really not worthy of writing it all down, and some stuff i might write when i get vacation from college 

See you space cowboy...

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what the fuck am i doing

 

    Hello again internet, haven't posted in a while because nothing worthwhile happened in my life in this mean time. Everything seems the same, like nothing has changed since four or so months ago. That's because of my failure to fight procrastination. It's much easier to wait for a miracle then to try to step up and do something yourself, i guess i always find an excuse to do just that. And this time is my possible immigration to Canada for my university studies.

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Anyway, enough of my useless self pity.

Three weeks ago i was browsing a certain persons twitter, and i found a song that really caught my attention. That song was "Goodbye" from the Japanese band Toe.

    Toe's style is described both as "Post-Rock" and "Math Rock" everywhere i looked online. This is something really new to me, because never once in my life i have been so obsessed with rock music. Doing some research, I think I'm particularly draw to this band because of the "Math Rock" aspect. Complex rhythms, odd time signatures, and a emphasis on the drums really caught my ears, as me being a drummer myself. Toe's drummers is amazing, and the beats they use for their songs are the beats that i hear in my mind that i always dreamed of playing, but couldn't physically realized it myself in the drums. ( due to lack of practice ).
    Other factors for me liking this particular band is the simple yet effective use of minimalist melodies, the fact that most of their songs are instrumental only, i could for much longer citing things that i like about them. Their live performances are incredible, they put so much energy into playing, and often much better then their studio recordings counterparts.

I will leave a video of my favorite performance of "Goodbye" and a download link for their "CUT_DVD" album, which is a recording of one of their tours.

Click me to download "Cut_DVD"

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And that concludes today blog post.



See you Space Cowboy...

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